NEWS reaching the nation this week was that inflation has been caused by our Western detractors.

According to Information minister Monica Mutsvangwa, speaking in Senate: “There are a number of things which the President (Emmerson Mnangagwa) and the government have done to make sure that we deal with the issue of the weapon of inflation, which has been used in this country by dominant post-imperial colonialists to just make sure that there is regime change in this country.”

We are lucky, in this country, to have such professors of economics at every corner. All along, we were under the impression that inflation had been created by our hobby of printing money for no reason; working round the clock to make sure the country has no faith in its own currency, and generally putting every effort into shooting ourselves in the foot. Only to learn that it was the West after all.

Poor John Mangudya! He must be wondering who took his job of mismanaging the currency away from him and gave it to imperialists.

Auxilliary right

The re was widespread celebration in the media sphere this week, after a brand new, ground-breaking radio show was launched.

The Herald, the world’s leading source of truth and honesty, broke the news to a delighted nation: “First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa has taken to the airwaves with a first-of-its-kind radio talk show programme to tackle various issues affecting people in the spirit of nation-building.”

The paper went on: “This becomes the first time in living memory that a First Lady has been actively involved in the search for solutions to challenges affecting the people with the aim of building the nation.”

Apparently, the First Lady “conceived the radio programme after seeing that people needed guidance because the challenges they bring forward have a striking resemblance”.

Of course, she is right. For some reason, many of the sources of the country’s problems seem to have a striking resemblance with her hubby. We hope he too tunes in for guidance.

Prophetic volte face

After telling his flock for months to run away at the first sighting of any nurse, church leader Emmanuel Makandiwa decided to change his mind on Covid-19 vaccines, somewhat.

“I don’t want any follower to say I’m not taking the vaccine because Prophet said so,” Makandiwa told his followers. There is no microchip in the vaccine, he said, denying that he ever discouraged anyone from taking the vaccines.

Except, Muckraker, like all other fans of the macabre who have dedicated their lives to watching the most useless things for a living, remember Makandiwa saying back in April: “What makes this very strange, is the idea that now they want to put a chip alongside the vaccine. Having a chip in your hand that has access to every information. They will know who has refused the vaccine. Now you have a gadget in your body. What is that? Simply because of flu?”

This must be a confusing time for his followers. It reminds one of the time an opposition leader told his supporters to go out and “defend the vote”, only to turn around and call them “very stupid” after they had been shot at on the streets.

MDC variants

Spea king of the opposition, it was announced this week that Douglas Mwonzora and his outfit have been expelled from the MDC Alliance.

According to a letter signed by one Mathias Guchutu, a figure who has been in “opposition” since Muckraker arrived in the city from the rurals many moons ago, Mwonzora was fired from the alliance for a variety of reasons.

One “crime” was that Mwonzora fielded candidates in 2018 against the alliance’s regulations, and that he was bossing other partners around. But the charge that was most interesting was that, according to Guchutu, MDC-T got a nice bundle of money from government but did not come back to share it with others.

Guchutu signed off the letter “on behalf of the bleeding hearts of other principals”. No doubt. Most robbers get bleeding hearts when one of their own goes off and spends the loot on his own.

If you are also confused by all this, you are not alone. Just as much as we are losing track of Covid-19 variants; beta this, delta that, gamma this alpha that, it is getting harder and harder to tell one MDC variant from another.

Unfair Malawians

Elsewhe re in the neighbourhood, Malawi’s President Lazarus Chakwera is having the time of his life.

Last week, he appointed his own daughter as a diplomat. When quizzed, he shot back: “I have made over 2 000 appointments in the civil service, and Malawians have a problem with only one person — my daughter. Why? I’m very disappointed. It’s unfair.”

Indeed. It is unfair for Malawians to demand that Chakwera acts any different from other African leaders. Surely, would he be an African leader if he started appointing people on merit? What would his peers in the region think?

To get away from stressful Malawians, Chakwera hired himself a jet to spend a week in England. Naturally, he was accompanied by his wife, his daughter, and his son-in-law, who happens to be his director of information. What a responsible father, Chakwera is.

Stop complaining

A“I have made over

2 000 appointments

in the civil service,

and Malawians have

a problem with only

one person — my

daughter. Why? I’m

very disappointed.

It’s unfair.”

fter a series of damaging strikes by nurses and doctors, the government must be congratulated for finally coming up with a solution.

A proposed law says health workers must give two days’ notice before they strike. If they strike, they can only do so for three days following.

So, in order to solve the problem of health workers complaining about poor pay, the government has come up with a plan; stop health workers from complaining about poor pay. Once people are stopped from complaining about a problem, the problem goes away.

We must all be grateful for such genius, decisive leadership.